Mommy Meltdowns

I had always heard everyone talk about being a mom and how it was such a hard job.  Never did I imagine just how hard it would be.  Very hard.  But very rewarding.

Since day one Chloe has struggled with her weight.  After 2 weeks of being born she was down more than 10% of her birth weight.  From there we have gone to the hospital and back twice, switched from breastfeeding to formula, to a higher calorie formula, to medication for reflux, to a hypoallergenic formula, to weekly weight checks.  Back and forth we go to the doctors office and every time I hope and pray that maybe this time things will be different.  Maybe this time the scale will read something that will give me a reassurance that Chloe will get big and strong, that I am doing the right things for her at home, and that the doctor will be pleased with the weight she has put on.

Appointment after appointment was nothing but disappointment from her pediatrician that she wasn't big enough.  After lots of thought and tears I decided to look into finding Chloe a new pediatrician.  I was tired of feeling like because of me Chloe wasn't growing, because of me she's behind.  Being a mom is hard enough by itself but to feel like you're not doing a good enough job makes it practically impossible.  Thankfully I have the most amazing ward and one of my friends referred me to her pediatrician that she takes her kids to.  I read up on the doctors bio and felt really good about her so I made an appt.

Feeling full of a new hope and knowing that this time it would be better I was actually excited to take Chloe in.  Chloe had been eating TONS better, there was NO way she couldn't have gained weight! I sat in the waiting room, nervous and sweaty and finally we got called back.  The nurse had us first check her weight, height and head circumference.

Height: 23.5 in
Head Circumference: 15.98 cm
Weight: 8.4 lbs

WHAT? Only 8.4 pounds? You have to be kidding me.  I was devastated.  What was I doing wrong? What was the doctor going to say? Why am I such a bad mother?

Well the doctor came in and took Chloe and showered her with kisses.  She checked all her vitals and even fed her there to see how she took the bottle.  She was very patient with us and listened to everything I had to say.  After looking through all Chloe's past history the doctor looked up and told me not to worry.  That some babies are just lean and tall, and no one knows quite why but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her.  I let out a sigh of relief.  FINALLY someone who listened to me. Finally someone who could see how much I was struggling.  Finally someone who believed in Chloe.  We worked out a game plan to try and help Chloe put on some weight by increasing her formula intake from 3 oz a feeding to 3.5 or 4 every feeding.

I left the office feeling much more confident.  I know we still have a while to go until Chloe is in the clear but I know that eventually we will get there.  I just have to take things one day at a time and realize that I am doing the best I can.  One of my biggest weaknesses is comparing myself and Chloe to other moms and babies.  I see some other moms all around me posting pictures of their cute chunky, adorable babies and it's so hard for me to not get down on myself.  I wish more than anything Chloe was chunky and had roles and roles on her arms and legs.  I wish she was doing some of the things other kiddos her age are doing.  But I can't sit here and wish and hope she's someone else.  I need to be happy with where she is at and look forward.  I have to learn to not compare her to other babies because every baby is different.  I am working to be better at this every day.


Chloe is going to be 3 months next Wednesday.  3 Months! She has been such a blessing in mine and Scott's lives already.  She brings so much joy into our home.  We love her to bits and are so lucky to call her our daughter.  Yes, she may be difficult but that's what makes her special.  That is what makes her ours.

And yes as you can tell from these pictures she LOVES her bouncer! =) Thank you Debbie & Geoff Crisp for lending that to us, it is a lifesaver.